Plus one plot.

[merikuru]

Holy shit I been writin again.

(This is, to be fair, what I get for being dragged back into FFXIV.)

Plot is now rolling right along and actually deigning to be written out, so naturally I'ma post it here.

Here we have the night before going to assault Doma Castle and some introspective catte. Enjoy. Or don't. I'd prefer if you did though.

(Also note that if you saw this before I Did Things, C'taqa is now female and is now named Y'senia and I have changed all this plot to reflect that.)


By the time I manage to escape Hien and Gosetsu's insistence that I drink with them, I am a bit too far into my cups to be wholly comfortable, and yet I cannot quite see this as a dilemma just now.

My head spins a little as I step out into the main chamber, the aetheryte towering high above our heads sending eerie lights and shifting shadows playing across the walls, and I decide it prudent to try and clear out some of the mental fog before I even attempt to sleep, quickly making my way outside with a hissed curse at the chill breeze that sweeps past me strongly enough to set every last hair on my tail on end; I am grateful for it at the same time, though, the drunken haze receding in its wake, and I feel almost revitalised by the time I've sat myself down on the closest bit of stone that will hold me, tilting my head back to stare up at the stars glimmering above. (This is familiar, at least, and comforting. Many were the times I did this same thing in Eorzea, when the morrow was to bring naught but strife and uncertainty, and the stars here in Yanxia are no different than the ones I remember there - and it makes me wonder, might any of the companions we've left behind be gazing at these selfsame stars, wondering, thinking?--)

--Lyse's words come back to me unbidden then, as a whisper in my ear, and I start from my reverie with a tiny shake of my head, feeling my cheeks burn despite the nighttime chill.

"Remember what it is you fight for, Y'senia - what it is you can't possibly lose for. There's no harm in wanting a little reassurance while you can still have it."

Was that a hint, I wonder - a way of suggesting to me that perhaps I ought to have that reassurance?

Even so, I feel like I oughtn't give in to even a small moment of weakness, but nonetheless, I find myself reaching to my linkpearl before the embarrassment can become overpowering enough to still my trembling hands.

A few moments of silence, and then, blessedly familiar in my ear - "Y'senia? Is aught amiss?"

The relief that washes through me is nearly palpable, warm and soothing, the nervous tension in my shoulders seeping away quickly enough that I am almost dizzied by it. "No," I respond, soft, barely more than a whisper, and somehow, I'm a little surprised to find myself smiling as broadly as I suddenly am. "I only - wanted to hear your voice, for a little while. I'm sorry if I'm interrupting anything."

"Not a single thing," Thancred reassures me, and I can imagine him sitting forward to stare keenly at me, almost as clearly as if he's in front of me right now to do exactly that. "I take it you're to be setting out come the morn? Alphinaud has kept us appraised of his plans - I admit to a bit of concern, if I'm perfectly honest, yet still I have every faith in you. If anyone can make this work, who else would it be but our own Warrior of Light? Although," he pauses, and I'm not certain how I can almost hear his gaze sharpening, but somehow I do. "That's precisely what you're worrying about, isn't it?"

It isn't worth trying to lie; I can never lie to him, whether face to face or at a distance. "...Yes," I say finally, forced to swallow hard before I can go on, trying to ignore the sudden lump in my throat. "I suppose I feel as if I'm drowning...although perhaps that isn't the best term for it, now--" a sound escapes me, half laugh and half unexpected sob, and I bury my face in my free hand, fighting tears and cursing myself for not having protested more firmly when drinks were offered. "I - I'm sorry, I - it's so hard, trying to do all of this without having you with me," and I can't even manage to feel shame at what I've just so freely admitted, because it's all aimed towards the fact I'm so close to crying. "Gods above, Thancred, I miss you - what I wouldn't give to get away for a little while, just to see you again..."

"You could, just for the night," he points out, sounding entirely too reasonable - and maybe just a little wistful too, making my heart ache a little. "I very much doubt anyone would begrudge you that."

"I would. Because I wouldn't want to come back." I hadn't meant to admit that so plainly either, but there it is, and I can at least rest assured he won't judge me for laying myself so bare before him. "I'm...scared, Thancred. I have no intentions of dying tomorrow, not least because I can't simply leave you and everyone else alone, but--" this time it is an outright sob that escapes me, and I find myself too tired to fight the tears, merely letting them begin to fall. "I don't want to be strong tonight. I want...I want you to hold me, and to protect me, and let me be weak. So I can shoulder everyone else's weakness tomorrow...without feeling as if I might simply break under my own."

Thancred is silent for a long moment, only his soft breaths in my ear reassuring me that the connection between our linkpearls remains. "Would that I could," he responds finally, sounding just a bit guilty, but it's quickly gone - so quickly I wonder if I might have imagined it. "But never mind that. Have you been drinking? Such blatant honesty is...a bit unlike you."

"It wasn't my idea," I manage a bit of a petulant tone, and when I realise what he's doing by playing on my emotions like that, it makes me genuinely smile, even through the tears. "You Twelve-damned bastard, I ought to be offended at your insinuations."

"Perhaps you ought to, yes. But save the offence for when you can deliver it in person." His warm laughter fills my ears, soothing both my temper and my raw nerves, and I soon find myself able to sit upright and dry my face, the sadness easing. "You will prevail, Y'senia - I know you will, and I will be here to receive you ere you return successful. Now get some rest, won't you? You're going to need it."

"I know," I agree, letting out a body-shaking sigh that trails into a yawn, my ears flattening and my cheeks burning fiercely. "...Just one more thing, before I go. I - thank you so much, Thancred. For putting up with me tonight, I mean."

"Putting up with you? My dear Y'senia, you insult me," Thancred exclaims with mock indignance, and I can just imagine him folding his arms. "You make it sound as if I do this out of a sense of duty, not one of affection. Let me assure you, it is most certainly the latter--"

Warm all over at those words, I wrap my arms tightly round myself with a smile, as if trying to hold the sentiment to me. "So you admit it, then--"

He takes a surprised breath, lets it out on an embarrassed huff. "Not another word out of you. Go rest, before I find some way of making you do just that."

"All right, all right." I'm beaming now, but I can't even bring myself to be ashamed of how happy his words have just made me. "I'm sorry for teasing you. Good night, Thancred - we'll speak again after everything is done. I promise."

"I'll hold you to that," he murmurs, the faintest of smiles evident in his voice. "Rest well, Y'senia. Good night."

I nod, never mind he can't see it, as the connection terminates and I lower my hand to my side once more. I will...thank you.

When I sleep, it's with an ease I've not known since leaving Eorzea - one that leaves me ready to fight, and to win, so I may return home.