.hack//Reparation, chapter 10

[atori]

.hack//Reparation
Chapter 10 - Plan

******

In retrospect, perhaps it wasn't surprising to find an email from Haseo waiting that simply read, "There's something I'd like to tell you - no, to pass on to you. Meet me at Δ Hidden Forbidden Waterfall as soon as you can."

For some reason, Enoki had always gotten the vague little thought that even outside its role in the Epitaph of Twilight, Arche Koeln was a place of beginnings, a place where things could really start - for that reason, he found it fitting that when he arrived and moved to stand next to Haseo on a high ledge overlooking the cascading water, the first words out of the other rogue's mouth had to do with exactly that. "Enoki," he said quietly, almost inaudible under the roar of the falls, and didn't turn to look at Enoki, something distant in his eyes. "...I was told something, once. That whenever someone comes here...it makes them feel like they can start to see what needs to be done. I didn't believe it for a while, but soon enough, I found myself coming here whenever I needed to start something. Maybe it's strange...but it seems to work."

He almost-smiled, the expression bitter and sad, and moved forward until he was standing on the very brim of the ledge. "...This is the place where I decided I wasn't going to hesitate any more. This is the place where I decided I was going to do whatever it took to save Shino. The place where I decided to face Tri-Edge. And the place where, six months ago, I began the fight against Cubia and the shadows of The World itself. Enoki, this is a place where all things can find their beginning. That's why I asked you to come here," he finished, and tilted his head up to stare at the sky.

"A lot of us have found beginnings here," came a voice from behind them, and Enoki whirled in surprise to find Shino there, a hand brushing back the tassel on her hat from a quiet breeze that hissed by them. "Here, I decided I would search for the Key of the Twilight together with Ovan. Here, I decided I would change my PC after Ovan's disappearance, to show my resolve in waiting for him. And here, I began to get to know the real Haseo - not just the character, but the player as well." She smiled sweetly and moved forward to join them, pretending not to notice as Haseo's cheeks flushed faintly pink and he turned his face just a bit further away. "Ovan has found many beginnings here, as well, but they aren't exactly my story to tell. But I suppose that's beside the point, isn't it?" She laughed, and the sound mixed eerily with the pounding of the water somewhere far below, as if swallowed up by the area itself. "What we're giving to you here, Enoki, is a legacy that's continued for a long, long time. A legacy of beginnings, a legacy of seeing what needs to be done and setting the gears in motion. First Ovan, then myself, then Haseo...and now you. You'll find your own beginning here, and you'll realize what needs to be done." Gently, she took Enoki's hand in both of hers and squeezed it reassuringly, laughing again when he blushed as well and letting go. "It doesn't always happen right away. But the more you come here...I think more and more will fall into place."

Enoki considered, nodded and tried to smile, though the dull ache that now gnawed at his heart and reminded him why exactly he needed to push for this beginning flattened the expression so far that it held utterly no emotion. "...Yeah. I guess you're right. Things do have a habit of starting here, don't they?" he murmured softly, turning back to face the falls once more instead of Shino's far-too-sympathetic face that made him want to cry. "It seems like everything that starts here for me, though, has something to do with Zelkova. The first time I met him was here...he pushed me to meet Hagen here...we've talked here so many times, about little things that still brought me to big decisions that needed to be made...it doesn't feel right to start something else here without Zelkova, I guess. But...I also know...that he wouldn't want me to just feel sorry for myself and do nothing...and I somehow feel like he'd have brought me here just like you did and tried to show me the path to what I need to do. So I suppose that in a way...in a way, I'm doing this with Zelkova's blessing." He felt sheepish, and looked down at his feet to try and hide it. "...Kinda dumb, huh?"

"It's not dumb, Enoki." Haseo reached out, hesitated, then laid his hand on Enoki's shoulder. "...Zelkova always knew way more than any of us did. Somehow, I think he knew about this too. He's the one who told me to bring you here and share that story with you - to help you find your way, he said. And you just don't say no to Zelkova, you know?" He gave a wry smile.

Tears threatened to well up again, and this time, Enoki let them. "...I know," he whispered, his voice cracking, and when he felt Haseo's arms cautiously and hesitantly encircle him he gave in to the pain and just slouched against the other Adept Rogue, starting to sob. "I know, and I miss it! That's why this hurts so badly! I - I feel like I've been misplacing my priorities all along, and taking everything for granted! Even after Zelkova was--" He broke off, unable to say it, and instead went on as if he'd never stopped. "It didn't even really hit me, I didn't let it hit me - I could only think 'I won't let it happen again' instead of 'I'm going to save him' and then it did happen again, even after I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone else be taken! And even when we were fighting Tessa, it was - I was - I couldn't not think of Zelkova and Ovan, but my main goal was taking revenge for Aspera and now I feel like I wasn't thinking about them enough! Haseo, I don't even know where I'm supposed to try and find my way in this entire mess - I can't stop thinking about how I should have been thinking more, taking them all into consideration and I - I just feel too damn guilty to lead anyone any more..."

He thought he heard Shino laugh, and genuinely wondered why for a moment until she chimed in teasingly, "Enoki...you like Zelkova, don't you?"

"Of course I like him! He's my friend." But the deeper meaning of Shino's question hit in just as he was drawing back from Haseo and trying to dry his eyes, and he found himself turning a rather brilliant shade of red despite his best efforts to stop it. "...And that's all we are, is friends! I mean, even if I felt that way about Zelkova - I'm sure there's tons of other people who do - I mean, for starters, there's Kaede--"

"You know Zelkova just sees her as a mother figure, right?" Haseo interrupted, starting to smile.

Enoki flushed deeper and continued. "--and besides, I don't think he'd like another guy--"

"Didn't he make the effort to meet you in real life, Karen?" Shino's pointed use of Enoki's offline name was softly mischievous. "You are not your PC."

"--and why can't you just believe me when I say I just think of him like a friend?!"

Now they went serious, exchanging a glance; Haseo spoke first, a quiet "Endrance," and Shino nodded her agreement with an equally quiet "Ovan."

Enoki slouched, knowing he'd lost the argument. Of course they'd know what it was like - they'd had their own people to wish for more with, to hope they'd someday become more than friends. He really had to wonder why he'd even tried to argue it in the first place, knowing from the start he was doomed and probably wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning. "...maybe a little?"

Another glance, and they both smiled. "I guess that's good enough for now," Shino said sweetly, and turned on her heel, starting back to the warp with her cape flaring out behind her. "Haseo, let's go. Maybe it's best to leave Enoki to think for a while."

"You guys are awful, you know," Enoki called after them as they left, but he had to give a small smile of his own when he realized that, thanks to their antics, he did feel just a little better.

~*~

In this day and age, with information right at everyone's fingertips, it wasn't exactly hard to find out where certain people might be, and Karen found herself guiltily wondering if she wasn't above calling in a few favors to get the information she wanted. Eventually, she decided it sounded much worse than it actually was (after making several lists in the back of an old notebook she found under her bed and deciding the benefits would much outweigh the risks), and with that in mind, reached for her cell phone - a few quick taps through her address book and then she was dialing, putting the small handset to her ear and trying to ignore the flutters of nervousness in her stomach as she waited for the line to be picked up on the other end.

It took a few moments, but finally there was a click and a static-hazed voice came through, "Hello?"

"Hoshi? It's Karen. I...kind of need a favor." She knew this wasn't exactly the best sentence to open a conversation with, but if she was going to do this, she might as well cut right to the chase. "You heard about the people who recently fell into a coma while playing The World, right? Well, um - one of them - he's, ah, a really good friend of mine, and I just wanted to know if you could find out what hospital he's at so I can go visit him? Please?" Her words were rushed and running together by the end, and she could feel the tips of her ears burning bright red with embarrassment, both incredibly glad this wasn't a video call and knowing Hoshi would be able to tell she was deeply flustered anyway. "You can ask me for whatever you like in return, it's just - this is a really big favor for me and I--"

"You want to go visit the guy you like. That's it, right?" Hoshi sounded amused as she cut Karen off, unable to help but laugh at the startled sputter the redhead just couldn't manage to hold back. "Well, just so happens you're in luck. All of the new coma victims have been admitted to my hospital - I could probably get you in to see all of them if you wanted. Come by in about an hour, all right? I'll be working the afternoon shift today." She paused for effect, then went on, suddenly serious. "And Karen..."

Karen tensed; she'd learned to distrust that tone of voice. "...Yeah?"

"...Cut back on the game a little, all right? I don't want to see them bringing you in too."

She knew that was a promise she couldn't make, but the lie came easily enough. "I was planning on it. I don't want to fall into a coma either, trust me."

"Good." Warmth returned to Hoshi's voice, and Karen could almost see her smiling. "I'll see you in about an hour then. Take care of yourself, little sis."

"I will. You too, Hoshi." Karen smiled slightly, relaxing, and hung up after exchanging goodbyes with her sister, more glad than ever that Hoshi had always wanted to be a nurse.

~*~

She felt cold as she slowly made her way through the brightly-lit, starkly clean hallways, and even though she knew it was just her vague dislike of hospitals in general playing tricks on her mind, Karen wrapped her arms around herself and rubbed them absently, wishing she'd thought to bring a jacket despite the scorching heat outside. She'd never liked places like this; they seemed much too close to bordering that razor's edge between life and death, the stink of antiseptic and medications hanging like a stifling cloak over those who convalesced in perfectly-made beds, and no matter her reason for being there she inevitably felt as though she didn't belong, standing on one side of an invisible wall that separated her from those who did. It's like one of those kids' puzzles - what doesn't belong in this picture? she thought with a hint of a sardonic smile, pausing in front of the door marked 325 and, just to be sure, checking the name on the placard beside the door before she slowly turned the handle and let herself in.

If she'd had any doubts for some reason that Keyaki had, in fact, fallen comatose, they were dispelled the instant she saw him lying motionless underneath the thin hospital blanket, dark hair feathered out across the crisply-starched pillowcase, slow and shallow breaths steadily fogging the mask of the respirator that covered his mouth and nose as the needle in his hand slowly fed life-giving fluids into his body. It was a pitiful sight, someone once so full of life and vitality suddenly gone so quiet and still, and she felt the urge to sob rising like a bitter poison in the back of her throat, quickly swallowing it back enough that she could make her way to the bedside on suddenly-wobbly legs and halfheartedly tug up a chair to sit in.

"...Hey," she managed quietly after a few moments, when the silence broken only by quiet beeps and hisses became just too much, and reached out suddenly, taking Keyaki's limp hand between both of her own to hold it tightly, as if afraid he'd disappear if she were to let go. "...You really scared the hell out of me. I never thought...never wanted to think something like this would happen to you. I was an idiot...thought you were invincible, you know? Thought you'd always be there, guiding me along, helping me when I needed it the most...or maybe I just didn't want to believe you'd be gone at some point." Tears welled up slowly, but she didn't dare release his hand to wipe them away. "...You haven't even been gone for three days and I'm already so lost I don't know what to do. All the pieces have fallen into place, we've got everything we need to continue with the plan...and I know we just need to go ahead and do it, but without you there...to be honest with you, I don't even want to do it now. I want you to be there so we can see things through together. All this time, I've been imagining that when it's all said and done, we'd all be together and we'd all be able to say 'We did it!' to one another...a-and no matter how hard I try, I just can't imagine finishing all of this without you at my side." Silently cursing the way her voice broke and made her stammer, she leaned forward suddenly, pressing her forehead to the edge of the mattress and finally giving up on holding back the tears, shoulders shaking helplessly as she clutched his motionless hand still tighter. "...You've gotta wake up. Please? I don't know if I can even do this without you! You're not gonna make me go through this alone, are you? Please wake up...Keyaki, please...!"

But as was to be expected, Keyaki didn't so much as twitch, leaving Karen to weep almost inaudibly into the sheets with his hand still gripped in hers.

It took a while, rather understandably, but eventually she worked up the courage to leave Keyaki's side, somewhat guiltily taking advantage of the small bathroom tucked away in the corner to wash her face and quietly promising his unhearing ears that she'd come back to see him again before leaving the room, focusing now on what needed to be done rather than her own grief. Perhaps visiting with Keyaki had been a good idea after all; she felt as if she'd managed to tap into some well of businesslike calm she'd never known existed inside her, logic conquering feelings of being lost and alone and finally revealing the path she needed to take as clear as if someone had shone a spotlight onto it. "It's not going to be easy," she murmured quietly to herself as she stepped through the front doors and out into the scorching sunlight, the blanket of uncertainty dissolving from her shoulders at the first brush of warmth, "but thinking about what's got to happen...no one ever said it would be easy."

She found herself giving a bitter smile, realizing she'd been so caught up in wanting to fix everything that she'd been avoiding that thought all along.

By the time she reached her apartment, she had calmed completely and, despite feeling rather tired, was more than ready to log in and try to knock down a few more of the barriers between the AIDA and everyone else. Grabbing her headset and plunking down in front of her laptop, she logged quickly in, set her status to "Busy" (it wasn't that she didn't want to talk to anyone, but she didn't want to lose this determination while it was so strong) and started exploring a list of keywords mailed to her by Yata earlier that morning; AIDA's presence was strong in every one, but it never once showed, and she was starting to feel hopelessly frustrated and utterly exhausted by the time she returned to Breg Epona from checking the last one. It's not fair. I finally have a plan, I finally know where to go...and I can't do anything until AIDA makes the next move! I just want to get this over with...what's taking it so long to show itself? she thought helplessly, halfheartedly reaching behind her to pull a pillow up behind her back and leaning heavily against it. Maybe I'll just...get back to the @HOME and think for a while. I hate sitting around waiting, but it's all I can do...

She was yawning by the time she got there, her eyes drifting inexorably closed underneath the headset, and before she could even tiredly tell herself she should at least log out first, the controller fell from her lax fingers as she drifted into a deep, refreshing sleep.

~*~

"...ki. Enoki...wake up. Hey, Enoki..."

Too tired. Five more minutes. Enoki sighed in exhaustion and stubbornly refused to stir, only moving to halfheartedly swat at an inquisitive hand when he felt himself being playfully poked, curling up a bit more tightly as if to shield himself from being woken - though it wasn't working. "Don't want to," he finally complained through a yawn, again swatting at the hand when it mischievously tickled him and letting out a groan, forcing one storm-blue eye open just enough to realize he definitely wasn't in the Moon Circle any more. Instead, the scenery that stretched out around him was flat blackness, broken only by the obnoxiously bright green of the gridwork that formed the game's basic structure; the Sea of Data, he realized with a start, and suddenly sat bolt upright, both eyes flying fully open. "I - what? Why am I...?"

"Here? Because I brought you here." The cheerful voice was familiar, but that thought was as far as Enoki managed to get before the scenery seemed to ripple and a shadowy outline suddenly blocked out a small portion of the gridwork, giving the impression from its position that whoever it belonged to was looking at him with their head tilted inquisitively. "You dream really deeply, you know. I had a hard time getting your mind to respond enough to talk to you. What do you think you're doing falling asleep still logged into the game, anyway? It's dangerous with the AIDA around."

"I--" Enoki blinked in disbelief, shook his head a few times and started to apologize, but an apology definitely wasn't what came out of his mouth. "Zelkova? Are you really...?"

A fingertip dropped to Enoki's lips, shushing him. "Yes and no. Right now, we're outside both the game and the real world - we're drifting in liminality. It's the only way I could contact you in my current state." Sadness colored the words, but it was soon gone to a businesslike, serious tone as the faint outline that was Zelkova's - Keyaki's - consciousness began to pace back and forth, every footstep sending up a faint ringing sound rather than just a simple muted tap. "...Enoki, I didn't plan on any of this. I wanted to be there for the end of it all too. I got...careless," he admitted, the outline shifting in a way that suggested he'd turned his eyes downward in shame. "I'm really sorry...I didn't want to leave it all to you. Not like this. But I know you can do it...if you don't get too confident." Now he stopped pacing, raised his head, and Enoki felt the familiar, uncertain sensation he always got when Zelkova looked at him directly. "You're strong, Enoki - but just like Haseo, you force yourself to be strong in the wrong way. You push through things that would break most other people and try to put it out of your mind so it won't break you too. You pretend like you're not affected for as long as it takes to get from one point to the next. And you don't let anyone else shoulder the burden, because that would mean appearing weak in front of everyone who's looking up to you. I heard a saying once; 'bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid' - but I don't think that's right at all. I think the moment when you're truly brave is when you can admit to everyone that you're afraid."

Enoki's face burned in shame; he found himself being the one to look down now, voice cracking. "Is that - why you told Haseo to take me to Arche Koeln?"

"...Yes. I'm sorry, Enoki, but you needed to let it go so you could find your way again." The outline moved close, blotted out the space directly beside Enoki, and he had to swallow hard against a lump in his throat when he felt slender arms wind comfortingly about his shoulders, a warm weight resting against him as if trying to soothe. "And there's still so much you need to let go of. The guilt, the sadness, the loneliness...you can't just keep it inside. You can't just bear it alone. Don't be afraid to rely on your friends; we're all in this together...whether it's to do something for The World, or just for each other. Let them see your weakness - let them see your fear. Share it with them, and let them share theirs with you. Every last one of you will come out stronger in the end."

...I can't do that, Enoki thought, ashamed, but before he could say it out loud, he felt Zelkova's hand gently stroking his hair, and startled himself by breaking down into tears.

"You're wrong," he dimly heard at his ear as he sobbed. "You can."

And then Zelkova was silent, simply holding him as he cried, quietly consoling him until the tears passed; he could feel himself drifting then, deeper sleep tugging at the edges of his consciousness and trying to pull him back to his body. Too drained, too weak to fight it, he let himself be drawn inexorably away, felt Zelkova's touch grow more and more insubstantial until it just seemed like wisps of a breeze washing across his body, and somehow he managed to whisper then. "Zelkova...Keyaki. When...will I see you again?"

"That's entirely up to you," drifted to his ears, and for just a split second, he thought he could feel a gentle pressure against his lips, warm breath on his face. "Rest well, Karen. I'll wait for you."

~*~

"Everyone...it's time. Nibelung's Fall officially starts now."

Enoki stood at the control systems of the Moon Circle, his back to the screens, and looked at the gathered players before him. "Up until now, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. I knew I had to lead everyone, and I knew I had to make things right, but I didn't know how. But I've been thinking a lot...and now, I think I can see the path laid out before us." He smiled grimly, running a hand through his hair and drawing himself up a little straighter, squaring his shoulders. "It's not going to be easy, I can tell you that for sure. But it's too late to back down now. We just have to keep moving forward and pushing past the obstacles in our way. I want you all to remember one thing, however - no matter what, we are not alone. No matter how difficult things may be, no matter how lost or afraid you may feel, none of you - none of us are alone. We have each other, and we have the support of the entire World behind us. If one of us falls, the others will be there to pick them up. If all of us should fall, we've got each other to lean on when we get back up again. For the sake of all we've lost, for the sake of all that could be lost, and for our own sakes..." He made a fist, eyes blazing now with determination, standing tall and proud before his makeshift army. "We have to be strong. Not just for ourselves, but everyone else as well. We need to be not just our own strength, but the strength of our friends and allies as well. United, we can stand...but divided, we will fall."

He closed his eyes for a brief second, then opened them again, gaze softening. "It's too much to ask of everyone to leave right away. We need time to prepare, to brace ourselves for what we're going to be facing. So I want you all to relax today - take the rest of the day to do whatever you like, and come back here tomorrow. At 0900 hours World time, we'll move to Morrigu Barrow Wall and execute the main stage of Nibelung's Fall. I'm sure you all know this by now, but what we're doing carries a great risk with it, and there's a chance that we, too, could become Lost Ones. For that reason, I'm going to have to ask that anyone who is not an Epitaph User stay behind when we move in to confront the AIDA. Your help has been necessary to get this far, but I'm not going to risk your lives." He hesitated then, as if afraid someone would speak up and ask him why he'd even asked for their help in the first place, but to his surprise, the normal players only nodded with firm resolution in their faces and he felt himself relax. "Thank you...I'm glad you understand, and I'm sorry I've brought you this far only to leave you behind. But I have sworn to protect The World and its players, and that includes those of you who have helped me through all of this. I'm truly glad you've come this far with me." A faint smile touched his lips, and he slowly turned away to look at the screens. "...If you want, you can go now. Have fun. Enjoy the game. Tomorrow, the real work begins."

He could hear them filing out of the Moon Circle in silent determination, knowing without looking that they walked with heads held high and their goal firmly fixed in their minds, and for a moment he felt dizzyingly proud but he quickly shook it away. Don't get confident, he reminded himself, remembering Zelkova's words, taking slow, deep breaths until he could quell the nervous excitement and relax again. Have fun...enjoy the game...I guess I should do the same. A plan's no good if the person who's carrying it out is too much of a nervous wreck to do that. It's been a while since I just played for myself; not since before Aspera left... He bit his lip, feeling guilty, but that too soon faded and he slowly shook his head, looking up at the blank screens overhead. Would it be too much, he wondered, if just for a little while, he watched the Lost Ones to give him determination?

"...Enoki." The quiet voice behind him was Hagen's, and he startled slightly before turning, looking a bit sheepish as he confronted serious blue eyes - then fading into startlement once more as his gaze moved past Hagen to Gunnar and Heimar, who also looked surprisingly serious. Afraid now that he'd said or done something wrong, he didn't speak, but it proved unnecessary anyway; Hagen suddenly reached out, took hold of his wrist and placed something in his hand, a small sphere that shimmered with all the colors of the rainbow and seemed to ripple like liquid when he looked at it. "I've been doing some thinking, too. We all have. I shouldn't be doing this, but...I want you to have that program." He nodded towards the sphere, letting Enoki's hand go. "It's a prototype program I've been working on. Basically, it lets the user and anyone within its field of influence understand the speech of data anomalies or incomplete programs - wandering AIs, AIDA, things like that. I'm going to need it back when you're done with it, but I think it'll make your job a whole lot easier."

"You've told her this much," Gunnar murmured, his wings ruffling slightly. "Will you now tell her the rest?"

Hagen brightened visibly. "Oh, it is okay after all? Well then. Enoki, you've heard of the goddess of The World, haven't you? The stories from R:1, the dot-hackers, yada yada, all that stuff. Well, that program you're holding is a little fragment of the old World, so to speak. A program made from the same code as The World itself, the same code as the goddess...the backbone of the system." He paused for effect, met Enoki's eyes directly with a gaze that dared him to look away. "Enoki, right now, you're holding a piece of Aura herself. And even though you didn't know it, you have three other fragments of her in your possession as well."

"Three other...?" But Enoki didn't need to finish the sentence. He knew, and he slowly brought up his free hand, letting three brightly-pulsing crystals form in midair to hover above his palm; they glowed so brilliantly now he could hardly look at them, and he knew instinctively that they were telling him the time was near. "...I think I get it now. I think I understand. You're here now, when I need your help the most, not because you just happened to be here - but because she called you here and told you to show me the way. You're here because The World itself wants me to save it. And it's only because of you, who performed this same task seven years ago, that The World - that Aura can be saved." He gave a slight, disbelieving laugh, shaking his head. "...It sounds like a story. Some kind of fairy tale. Just another page in the history of the game."

"Even the most outlandish story has its basis in truth." This time it was Heimar who spoke, Hagen and Gunnar nodding their quiet agreement. "I'm amazed, Enoki. You couldn't have gotten it more dead-on if you'd tried to. Now I'm even more sure that Aura made the correct choice when she selected you to receive the power of Tarvos, seeing the potential in you that would lead you down the path of salvation. Not that I'm saying Aura would be wrong, mind you, but to err..."

Enoki found himself smiling. "To err is human."

"Exactly." Heimar grinned back, but quickly went serious again, folding his arms. "Enoki...you know this already, I'm sure you do. But this is where our help to you ends. This is where we have to step down and let you and the other Epitaph Users handle the rest. There's no more we can do, as much as I don't want to admit it. So..." he paused, looking uncertain and shy suddenly as he unfolded his arms, rubbing the back of his head and averting his eyes just slightly. "...Good luck. We'll be waiting for you with the others when it's all over with. We have faith in you, Karen."

Opening his mouth to thank them for everything they'd done, Enoki instead startled, eyes going wide. "I - how do you know my name?"

Hagen and Heimar exchanged a glance, then turned to look at Gunnar, who flushed slightly red in embarrassment and turned away, trying to hide himself in his wings.

"...I'm better off not asking, aren't I?" Enoki said wryly, unsurprised when he got no answer.